Doubt

I am plagued with self doubt.   I always have been.    Not believing in myself is sort of what makes me, well, me really.   Am I am good enough mother?  Wife?  Colleague?  Friend? Blogger?  I want to be good at all those things and it is hard to know if I achieve it.    I guess compliments every now and again mean I must get some things right.

When Penny, Annie and I went to Comic Relief to do a bit of a debrief on what Team Honk had done, the Twitter reach of the #GoodWork, and the funds raised it was great.  It got rid of the doubt I had that we had done what we set out to achieve for Comic Relief that year.    To raise £10,000 and awareness of the Good Work that had been done with 25 years of donations to Red Nose Day.

Then we launched our grand plan for Sport Relief in 2014.    Well it was half a plan.   Actually it wasn’t even half a plan.  A half arsed plan,  yes, but a proper plan?  Not so much.   It was a map with a start and end point.     And a belief.

A belief that if we said to bloggers “this is what we want to do, will you join in?” they would.   A kind of “If you build it, they will come” idea.    The problem was, we doubted ourselves.     We kept talking about this master plan.   The #TeamHonkRelay as it became known.    The trouble was the more we talked about it, the more people signed up to be involved, the longer the route became, the longer it would take.    We doubted ourselves again.

The logistics were huge.

How do you do something that everybody can join in?

How do you do something that actually raises money and complies with lottery / gambling laws?

How do you get a physical thing from one end of the country to the other, covering a route of 3000 miles?

How do you organise 160 people who have not met?

How do you plan a route with a paper map, 160 dots and no clue about geography?

The three of us had a Google hangout in December and came close to saying “we can’t do this”.   We doubted ourselves beyond all reasonable doubt.   But the doubt that other bloggers would pull it off never waned.    We resolved to get the Team Honk Relay up and running.   To get the route nailed.   To set up 40 Facebook groups, one for each area.   We knew if we just said “We are doing this and we have to achieve it, failure to get this baton up the country is not an option”, bloggers would do it.      That even as we were starting we still hadn’t finalised the route but that somehow it didnt matter.   If we doubted ourselves but believed in everybody else it would all right.

We set a target, again doubting we could do it but doubling last year’s total seemed the logical step since the time frame was double last year’s.

“Can we seriously raise £20,000?”

“I doubt it, no we can’t”

“But 40 groups can each raise £500”

It was cold, wet and windy on January 12th when Cornwall set off from Land’s End with the baton.   There were 3000 miles ahead for that baton.   10 weeks.   160+ bloggers, their families, their friends, their colleagues.   Fancy dress.   Scooters, buggies, wheel chairs, skate boards, Little Tyke cars, speed boats.   Onesies, tu-tus, T-shirts,  Speedos.   Elephants.   Okay, not plural but one.   Unicorns.   Definitely plural.    Joggers, walkers, swimmers.  750 children in a human chain.   A Lady Mayor.

It has continued to be cold, wet and windy.

The forty Facebook groups have all talked to members of their own groups.   Members of the groups either side to liaise over hand overs.    The three of us have done as much as we can on social media, in the groups, our own legs, talking to sponsors, just generally, slowly, letting #TeamHonkRelay take over our lives.

And the sponsorship has continued to come in.   Hour by hour the total has gone up over the course of the past six weeks it has edged closer and closer to our target.

We doubted we would get there by the end of week ten.   There is, after all a recession.  Charity donations are down.  Nobody has any spare cash.   We were asking for £20,000 for crying out loud.   An enormous amount of money, in anybody’s book.

Not blogger’s though.

We never doubted the bloggers.

Which is why, on Tuesday, at the beginning of week 7 the above happened at 10.48am.

We smashed the £20,000.

And maybe, just maybe, eroded a bit of the self doubt.

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  • You should be so proud of what you have achieved! We all suffer with self doubt at times, I think that is normal, but this is an amazing achievement, well done you and Team Honk

  • This was like the best ‘feel good’ movie. LOVED the ending to this article. (PS: You’re awesome with or without awards. HerMelness said so, ergo it is now fact!)

    Great read this morning. HMSx

  • It’s amazing the work, the team spirit, you should all be very proud

  • The whole team has done an amazing job. But you ladies, the organisers, the A-Team, you have been SO brilliant. Yes, we pulled together our little bits, but you made it happen. It’s been amazing to be a part of it and amazing to see the £20,000. Thank you for setting it up and letting us be part of something brilliant.

    • hee hee. I like being called the A Team. Can I be the cute one in the hot pants? Or maybe I should be Mrs T 🙂

  • I never doubted the A-team either.. I doubted I could raise money. I didn’t raise much, but I still did something, and its awesome to be part of a team that did this. I can finally give chuggers a good line “I’ve got no money but look up team honk – we’re just a bunch of bloggers that has raised £20k as a team since January”. *Silent stunned look, often followed by high-five or hand shake*

    So impressed with ALL of team honk, you awesome organisers, the runners, walkers, dancers, scooterers, cyclists, tweeters and social supporters.

    *#group hug#*

    • Dont play down how big a contribution you made. You put in a huge amount of effort and have continued to do so. Team Honk is a great thing, and here’s to it doing more amazing things in the years to come

  • You know what, Tanya? Even putting aside Team Honk for a moment, you’re an amazing woman. A couple of years ago, a blogger was going through what remains the most stressful period of her life, and had no idea what to do. You got brought into her life by another astonishing woman, and you proceeded to offer help, advice, support, and even good cheer in every single possible way you could to this person, someone you’d never met, whilst she was in her darkest hours. You were amazing.

    I’ll never forget your kindness back then, and never cease to be grateful for it. You popped up like a tiny tornado of … just pure wonderfulness at the time I most needed it, and frankly, how bloody amazing is that? You’ll dismiss it, of course, thinking you just did what anyone would do, but … not anyone would, certainly friends I’ve had for years weren’t there for me when I needed them, but you were!

    Then when you consider what you’ve done since, for strangers ALL OVER THE WORLD, well, bugger me, if you aren’t one of the most astonishing people I’ve ever met.

    So there.

    • You just made me cry

      So there.

      Thank you. I mean it. So pleased that I could help when you needed it and that by way of thanks you invited us to your wedding. I was so touched.

  • What you guys have achieved is incredible. You are incredible. I never doubted for a moment you would pull this off and smash your target. We BELIEVED you believed in us, if that makes sense x

    • Makes total sense! I think that feeling is mutual. If we believed you lot could all come together then we could believe it would happen. You guys are so close to £3000 though it is extraordinary!

  • I’ve got tears in my eyes.

    Team Honk Relay is going to be, without doubt, the highlight of my year. I LOVED being involved, felt honoured to be so.

    I’m so so proud of everyone involved and in awe of all the work your 3 have done.

    Bloggers most certainly rock. x

    • thanks Liz. I think we will all look back and think “wow, we did that”. And by “we” I mean everybody, not just us three. We really couldn’t have done this without everybody. Bloggers are amazing, but so are their supporters. Our families and friends have been brilliant!

  • I’m a self-doubter too, but being a part of this has given me such a boost of positivity to last a life time.Seeing how many people can pull together for a common goal has been amazing. Not just the bloggers, but all the family, friends and supporters. The well wishers. To have organised and coordinated such a huge event is unbelievable. You are an inspiration. Self Doubt can kiss it.

    • You have been incredible. I loved seeing your leg of the relay come together. And your support since with all the tweets etc has been amazing. Thanks so much.

  • I got involved in the relay because I wanted to find out about this thing being talked about by lots of people. I only did a small bit, but the encouragement and friendship offered by the other participants was wonderful and really made me wish I’d been involved earlier in the planning; although from your description maybe it was better not be 😉

    You may have self doubt, but you also have enthusiasm and passion and you’ve shown they can take you (and others) a long way.

    • Thanks so much Kate. New friendships being made is one of the things I will really take away from this. People feeling empowered by their own achievements and also the friendships.

      Kilimanjaro next year?

  • That actually made me all teary at my desk!

    Congrats to all of #TeamHonk in every bit of the country! – so very well deserved!

    kisses x

  • I have to keep going back to the Team Honk page to check it is real. So much money, so many lives changed by some lovely people who said ‘I’m in, what do you want me to do?” All started by YOU. Don’t forget it, don’t doubt it. I am glad I took a small part as it has made me realise what powerful and wonderful things people can do when they come together and work together. Working in isolation, in a bubble, gets you nowhere, you have to reach out and you had the confidence to do that and look what happened! £20k AMAZEBALLS!

  • You may doubt yourself T but we never doubt you or the others. I don’t know how you do it, I fail at the first hurdle and then wallow in self pity.
    You say it,
    You mean it,
    You do it,
    You smash it to smithereens… and then…
    You sit back and think of something else just as, or slightly more, crazy to do next…
    You never stop.
    You never fail.
    We knew you’d smash that £20k even if you didn’t.

  • I’ve tears in my eyes T – but to echo everyone else, when you 3 get together there isn’t doubt amongst the blogging fraternity of whether it will happen, it’s more the oh dear lord this is going to be HUGE. And huge it is and amazing and an honour to be a tiny weeny part of.

  • I hope the self doubt stays away – there is no need for it! You are all epic people! And I think maybe you have banished self doubt to 160 other people too – people who thought they wouldn’t measure up or be able to join in – you have created the most amazing feeling of community and blogger power – the 3 of you should be rightly proud of yourselves! x x And may take a short break in April once it’s all over!

  • *applauds wildly*

    I think you’re all completely off your rockers, but I’ve never doubted you.

    Well done lovely, you should feel very proud x

  • It has been a massive emosh journey these last few weeks.So many great people taking part, in s many inventive ways.I’m so, so proud of everyone who has made this happen.

  • It’s amazing to hear that you have any self-doubt left what so ever after what you have achieved as part of Team Honk, think of the lives you have changed by being part of the original plan. Others have helped, of course and that’s fantastic on their part too, but on a personal level – you’re amazing.