Perceptions are a funny thing. You see something in your own way and that is how you then think that thing is. But what if that thing isn’t really like that?
Now what if that thing is a person? And you perceive that person to be something. Something that actually they might not be in reality. Your perception is how you see them and that dictates how you continue to view them and possibly how you treat them.
I am waffling, and making no sense. So I will try and explain.
I won’t lie. Right now I am really struggling with the blogosphere’s perception of me. Of how I am. Who I am. What I am. And it is making me really unhappy if I am brutally honest.
Over the weekend, at BritmumsLive, I heard lots of people exclaim “oh my God, you’re MummyBarrow”. Well sort of, I am T but in people’s minds I am MummyBarrow and I don’t have a problem with that. I do struggle with the “Oh my God” bit. The exclamation of it. I am just me. Just another blogger. Just another woman. I am nothing special.
The “I just had to come and say hello because you are MummyBarrow” is lovely but it is quite hard to deal with when it keeps happening.
Yesterday I started to get messages of “I saw you but was too scared to say hello” / “you are so popular that I didnt think you would want to talk to me”.
This breaks my heart. And this is the bit I am struggling to deal with.
I spent my childhood at school bullied. Teachers. Pupils. I got bullied by them all. I hated school. Have blocked it out and don’t have one friend from back then. I was never in the “popular group”. Those were the girls that bullied me. Not a perception of mine, but actual memories of being beaten up, pushed, teased, whispered about, picked on by the girls that everybody wanted to be friends with.
I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be perceived as being in a popular group and that I am in anyway bullying or looking down on other bloggers. On other women. That isn’t me. That is not how I want to be. The idea that people feel they can’t talk to me because they think I am something destroys me.
I really don’t want to be seen as being in a popular crowd that can’t be approached. Yes, I have friends, and I like spending time with them at BritmumsLive but that was by no means any kind of “organised crowd”. I sat where I did for most of the weekend because I wanted to be near a plug socket!
The same memories of bullying from school mean I can’t go up to people and say “Hi I am T” because when I did that at school there were whispers of “who does she think she is” so I don’t do / can’t do it to other people now. Which is ironic because it is exactly that sort of thing that I am now accusing other people of. But the idea that people think I might be the one saying “who do they think they are” is more than I can take.
Public speaking destroys me. I am not a natural public speaker. I agreed but it was an honour to be asked and I wanted to do something to thank Britmums for their support of Team Honk. And to share what we had learned but that by no means came easily.
I was in pieces on Friday morning before we left. I was making myself ill. To the point that Mr B said he didn’t think I was well enough to go. Nerves do that to me. I can’t park in a car park I haven’t been to before. I can’t sit in a coffee shop alone having a drink. I can’t walk into a party by myself. Or into offices for meetings. The idea of speaking to a group of people the following day was really making me ill.
I work from home, on my own and am almost at the point where I don’t want to go out anymore.
People don’t see that. They see me and think I am bubbly, outgoing, confident. It is easy to be those things in 140 characters on Twitter. It is easy to tweet a celeb. To organise things from behind a computer. But in public, in front of people? For me that is not so easy.
People know me because of Twitter and from Team Honk. Not really from this blog. It isn’t this blog that gets nominated for awards, and that is fine, I don’t have a problem with that. My blog is not about that. Team Honk was nominated and won this year and that makes me massively proud because it is a true recognition of the massive effort put in by hundreds of people. It has raised my profile hugely and whilst I am grateful for that there is a point of me now that is struggling with who people think I am.
I can assure you I am not. I am just me.
This post makes me sound like an arrogant tw*t and i am sorry about that but I had to get these thoughts out of my head because as I sit here at 7.45am at my kitchen table I am finding all this social media stuff hard right now.
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