Rock of Ages

I really want to say “what the actual f*ck” but that might offend my inlaws and parents.   <waves in apology>

I wasn’t sure what I was expecting when I went to see this on Friday night with E.   A girlie night out to the cinema as E really wanted to see it and I was feeling guilty for being away last weekend.

The stage play is a huge success and I thought that as Brand and Cruise are in this it would be a hit.   Wrong.

The story is one that has been told a million times before, girl from hick town America goes to Hollywood to make her fortune.   Meets a guy, falls in love, falls out of love over a misunderstanding and loses guy.   Then becomes a stripper, finds guy again and they all live happily every after.

This particular story set to a thumping soundtrack of Bon Jovi and Journey.

The first thing I hated was the casting of Tom Cruise.   Supposedly an alcoholic rocker who has a six pack to die for.   The only way he can keep that six pack up is to breathe in constantly and walk with an odd lean to one side.   He looks like the love child of John Barrowman and Axel Rose.    The singing comes across as just being bad karaoke.

The second thing I hated was the rating.   This film is a 12A so as long as you stay with your progeny you can take kids as young as you like.    To watch simulated sex scenes and long shots of pole dancing.

Now I am no prude but this makes me very uncomfortable.    Yes it is set in 1987 when things were different but do we really want impressionable children watching a scene where the lead female is told the only way she will get respect is to start dancing and stop waitressing?   Which she then goes on to do, in a low cut leotard and fishnets around a pole along with 20 others.

Shots of Tom Cruise’s face between a young reporter’s legs akimbo on an air hockey table, anybody?

And as for Russell Brand’s Dudley accent?  What the hell was he doing?  It was horrendous!!!   I am a big fan of Russell Brand’s but really he should have stuck two fingers up to that suggestion.

Let’s not even begin to dissect the factual inaccuracies of songs not written and released until the 90s being included.

No, I am sorry.   But this should at the very least be a 12.

Or even better, it should never have been made into a film at all.


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  • Horses for courses. I’ve not seen this film but it didn’t seem like the film for me to rush to the cinema for.

    • You are right, each to their own. I go to the cinema so rarely that I am disappointed when the film fails to deliver!

  • The west end production was amazing but I am a HUGE fan of 80’s rock. I have not seen the film as from what I have heard they have changed quite a lot of it (probably to appeal to the American market) and as a result the tongue in cheek humour has gone and I would have to suffer Tom Cruise and that vile Zeta Jones woman!

    • I am a MASSIVE 80s rock fan and deep the down the story is a good one. But the casting is dire. Especially CZJ.

      • we should run off to London and watch it. I would happily see it again, I would have seen it again immediately but the cast were tired and the theatre was closing

  • Saw a clip of this on hols last week – Tom Cruise was being interviewed about it on some American chat show. All I can say is that it looked sooo wrong, especially the six pack and the singing. Yuk.