Ranty Friday — Ridiculous Compound adjectives For Food

You know the ones.

These

Drive

Me

Insane

And whenever I hear them they make me want to do serious injury to the speaker.  The following are the worst offenders

Pan Fried

What is wrong with a simple “fried”.   What else are they supposed to use?  The bonnet of my car?  A dust bin lid?

Hand Torn

I heard this used to describe the chicken on a Pizza Express pizza this week and I nearly drove to the nearest one to yell at the manager.   Hand torn chicken.   Instead of “ripped apart by a fox chicken”.

Cooked to perfection

Well so you say.   But how do you know what I think is perfect?  Ask me how I want my steak cooked to perfection and I will tell you “wipe its arse and slap it on the plate”.   That would be far from perfect for somebody who wants theirs cremated.

Hand battered

Oh please.  Hand battered cod?  Really?  Because dipping it in batter by hand is going to have any impact on the taste?  Is it hell as like.   Put it on the end of a unicorn horn and I might notice but not by it being handled by some spotty teenager.

Hand stretched dough

This makes me weep.   All pizza dough should be hand stretched.  How else do they think it should be done?  Through a mangle?

Drinkable

What else would a drink be?

Vine grown tomatoes

Yep, make sure you chose this variety and not the ones that sprout out of the ground, ready tinned.

Oven baked

Oven baked.   Because any other food that is baked is done how exactly?   Is the restaurant now using a fire pit dug out in the car park?  Shame on them then that we have to make do with bog standard “oven baked”

 

Got any more?

 

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  • Hand dived (as in scallops) which always makes me think of just a hand diving down while the diver’s body sits on the boat with a cup of tea.
    As for adding the word “off” after verbs, as so many TV chefs do…… fried off, seared off, roasted off….. one day tossing a salad will catch one of them out….

  • Thanks for that T – brilliant laugh – now thinking the world would be a better place if only we had unicorn horn dipped fish ‘n’ chips!

  • I’m so glad I’m not the only one who gets annoyed by this pretentious food stuff…. I love good food, but not the silly expressions and titles….

  • My sister once bought some ‘hand shaped flat bread’ and was hopping mad when she opened the packet to discover it was NOT SHAPED LIKE A HAND.

    Hyphens, or lack thereof, cause endless disappointment the world over.

    • Reminds me of the little girl that wrote to Sainsburys about Tiger Bread not being Tiger patterned!!

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  • I have a thing with food packaging and advertising – it has driven me nuts for years. “Now even tastier” – well what the fark was it before? “now with 100% REAL meat” – oh dear god, what was in there before, fake meat… let’s not go there, 100% fat free – well either it is fat free, or it isn’t – if it is 99% fat free, there is 1% fat, therefore it is not “fat free”… *trots off into distance on high horse*

  • Hand battered cod is just that. It’s not cod from the freezer. It’s fresh hand battered fish. And it’s probably deep fried like it should be as opposed to pan fried. Lots of these terms refer to food being homemade, if it is. If not then you have every right to rant.

    Oh and btw we have close shaved ham. (thin slices).

  • That’s a brilliant rant!! So agree with you on the steak – I like mine cremated so if a restaurant serve it raw then it’s most definitely not perfect for me!!